I just felt like letting it out. Since there's no one I can talk to, perhaps I can just blog it. It's the same anyway. Cause I don't need any comments. Just a 'listening ear.'
It wasn't my intention at all to make him feel that way. I'm not that cruel. But maybe, I tend to overlook things. And I didn't expect it to turn out this way. Yeah, like what's happening right now. He said he needs time. Alright, I'll give him.
He lose faith in me. I know life is totally unfair. But things already happened. And yes, I need to mend my mistakes. Be it intentionally or unintentionally. The least he could do now is to tell me to leave him alone for a while. Rather than not replying to my sms. Cause it does pissed me off. A bit.
I just don't want to drift further apart from him. And that is why, I texted him each day. But I didn't know he wanted to avoid me. Or maybe not. I don't know.
See, there's no communication between us. I'm afraid I might just misunderstood his actions. You know what I feel??
I feel like as though he only wants me when I'm at my best, when I can make him happy, when I'm all good. And that he can't even handle me right now. When this isn't even my worst. He lose faith in me,because of what I did to him,unintentionally.
I'm not saying I'm right, and he's wrong. He have feelings too. I understand that. But I have a heart as well. And it feels.
I've had 8 ex boyfriends. Yes, I'm more experienced than him. But that doesn't mean I won't do any more mistakes. I'm still learning. And he, got to learn that relationship is just not about being happy together with each other. Neither it is only about making mistakes. But, it is to understand your partner, accept their flaws, guide them where necessary, be with them through ups and downs,etc. It all needs time and we've gotta learn to be patient.
Talking about guiding, yes, I do want a guy who can guide me and not just leave me hanging nowhere. Well, I'm here to guide him as well. We can learn from each other. Relationship is about more than just 2 people falling in love with each other.
You know I've been in this situation before. Do you still remember how I act? I was being too pushy, cause I was afraid of losing him(my ex). But nah, I'm not gonna repeat that again now. Because I've learn. And I don't wish to end up in the same situation.
Sometimes I just wonder, how do I manage to keep myself calm when I'm hurt as well. There are times when I really do wana talk back. Do you know that? Well, I'm just soo stubburn, big headed and egoistic. Oh hell yes baby.. But, there's a soft side in me too.. Where I usually give in and accept everything. They say life is unfair, so yeaa, just let it be. And sometimes, I just took it as a 'punishment' for my past mistakes.. Cause I heard, if you hurt others,you will get hurt too in return. =)
Well, THIS IS ME. I'm not trying to praise myself or whatsoever. I know what I'm capable of doing to show him that I love him. But hey, you don't get all of me in one night. How long was I with my ex? Some months, some a year plus. To get to where I am now, it took more than a day.
But I really do felt miserable for making him feel as though he wasn't being appreciated. That was never in my plan.
I told myself I don't wish to be in a relationship after that breakup. But he,somehow, appear in my life, and changed the whole situtation. Why on Earth would I wana take him for granted?
Sighh, I miss him badly right now.
I miss the way he stares at me, I miss him poking my side, I miss him touching my chin, I miss him saying 'have I told you today that you're beautiful/that I miss you/that I love you, I miss his smell, I miss kissing his cheeks with my nose, I miss talking to him on the phone for hours, I miss everything that I've done with him, and everything that he always did with/to me. I just miss him.
Why didn't I just tell him? Well, I've already did. =)
All I need to do now is be patient. But than again, I'm lost. Errrk.
If I text him, I won't be entertain cause he won't reply. But if I don't contact him, will he think that I'm not making any effort to prove to him?
In the end, after letting out everything, I'm still that one confused girl.. Hmm
Oh well.. This is just some ranting from a girl who's not that matured yet.
So, pardon me.. =)
